Well, here we are. One year later.
I have the testosterone, the syringes, everything I need to begin my medical transition. I’ve never lied in any of these blog posts and I’m not going to start now. The whole point of writing these is to be completely honest. Because someone out there might have a super specific question or concern on their journey and might only find it here.
So, how do I feel? What concerns do I have?
The list of concerns is long, but much different than they were at the start of this journey. I’m still not a fan of possibly losing my hair, but my clinician says that since my dad held onto his for a good long while, that’s a good sign for me.
Honestly, I’m not even worried about that anymore. I’m more concerned about my chest deflating. Don’t get me wrong, I want the fat sacks gone, but I don’t want to have to endure the flappy, sagging chest until my top surgery, either. Basically, I just want to look good naked. Doing the fruit roll-ups thing every morning when I get dressed sounds like a drag.
But I’ll get used to it, I suppose. And it’s not like it will be forever. Eventually, I’ll have my top surgery and then I’ll look just as I’d like. I’ll need to wait until I develop my pectoral muscles enough before I get the surgery, though. I used to worry I’d get impatient waiting to start testosterone and just “pull the trigger” and start it before I thought it through. But I’ve had the testosterone for a month now. I decided to give it some extra thought before my first injection, even, so I feel confident I’m not being impulsive.
I take my first dose on 7/7/22, along with my partner. We’re gonna be transition buddies.
But I’m getting away from the point. I used to worry I’d rush into this without thinking enough about it and wind up having regrets. I’m not worried I’ll do that concerning top surgery.
If there’s one thing I’m certain of after coming this far in my journey, it’s that I won’t make a rash or impulsive decision. I can trust myself. That’s huge. I’ve doubted myself and my decisions for most of my life. But how responsible and how thorough I’ve been throughout this process has taught me I know what I’m doing. I put a lot of thought behind everything I do, because I’ve always been afraid I’d make the wrong decision and regret it. And not just with my transition, but with so many other things in my life. I’m coming to the end of that cycle of worrying now.
Other concerns…? I’m a hypochondriac, so I guess I’m concerned that I’ll have some intense reaction to testosterone and just keel over. Which is insane, I know. But my clinician made the mistake of mentioning a rare condition that causes blood clots and too many red blood cells, which can cause…well, death. I asked her how often that happens and she was quick to tell me how rare it was, but I decided to let her know that I will fixate on things like that. She didn’t mention anything else after that, lol.
Except I lowkey think she used my weakness against me to try to pressure me into getting a pap smear, which I’m so not wanting to get. I guess I probably should, though. For health and stuff. Cervical cancer would probably impede my plans to move to California and live a long, exciting life. I should probably just nut up and schedule the damn test.
Oh, I got a gym membership, too, by the way. Planet Fitness, Black Card member. I’m kinda a big deal.
But really, I had a lot of fun the first week I went. I got the membership to help me develop my pectoral muscles ahead of surgery, but I didn’t expect myself to enjoy it as much as I did. It’s a bit difficult for me to commit to going every day, but I’m working on it. I feel a lot happier and healthier when I go to the gym regularly.
Another concern I have about starting testosterone is that I don’t feel like a lot of bloodwork was done ahead of my getting the prescription. I need to know exactly where I stand as far as my current health before I start it. It would really help me feel more comfortable with beginning the treatment. All I got was a hematocrit and hemoglobin count, which look good. But is that enough to know I’m healthy and won’t have complications while taking testosterone? I really do fear health concerns. I wouldn’t take aspirin until I was in my twenties because of the Reye’s Syndrome warning on the back. My thinking was, if people under sixteen years of age are affected, there must still be some small risk to those over the age of sixteen. That’s how neurotic I am about medications.
I planned to go back to the doctor’s office in June to discuss this with my clinician and ask for an endocrinologist referral, but… Well, I kept putting it off and now it’s July. I think I worried about bringing anything up before because I was afraid they’d “take it away” from me. But having the testosterone and syringes already in hand gave me a little more peace of mind. I’m sure it was never a possibility in the first place, but I’m nothing if not in a constant state of worry. Best to always prepare for the worst.
Another concern I have is work related. I imagine my past clients calling me and not recognizing my voice a few months from now. I’m also planning to change my name once I take my first dose of testosterone. Every phone call from a past client could potentially become a discussion about my transition. I might lose clients. I wouldn’t mind losing clients who are transphobic, ordinarily, but it’s very important I make money right now. I have plans to move to California and that requires a certain number to be in my bank account.
But past clients aren’t the only way to keep my business moving, either. I can meet new clients who will only know me as Luke and see me as male from the beginning. With these new clients, it’s not as if I have to disclose the fact that I’m trans. That’s something personal that doesn’t relate to the quality of care and attention I can give to my clients.
In short, all of my concerns are fairly easy to put to bed. The most challenging concern I have is my ability to remain patient until I’ve developed my pectoral muscles and can undergo surgery.
Keep your eye out for my first video documenting my journey, though. I’ve decided I’d like to have a record of my transition to look back on. For a lot of trans people, they can feel as if they haven’t made any progress at all until they look at old videos of themselves to see the difference. I figure I should prepare for those feelings and give myself a way to pick myself back up during those periods.
And, also, I want to provide another resource for trans people. Especially trans men thinking of transitioning after the age of thirty. There isn’t a whole lot out there for us.
That’s all I got for you today, Travelers & Dreamers. Sorry it took so long to finally give y’all a new update. ♥ Also, buy my book: REM World: Lucid.